Linger from Ballybricken

Dolores Mary Eileen O’Riordan, best known as the lead singer of the 1990s Ireland alternative rock group The Cranberries, died on Jan. 15, 2018. She was 46 years old. On the eve of September 6th, 2021, if she is still alive, Dolores put a cake for the 50th.

I, along with many Generation Y-ers, was so sad to hear about her death.

Dolores’ work with The Cranberries taught me that our words can be a friend to people we may never meet.

“But I’m in so deep. You know I’m such a fool for you.”

— from The Cranberries song “Linger”

This was the first Cranberries song I heard that felt somewhat relevant to me. I dont know (this my trauma related) just because I’m too often moving city-to-city. Or just i feel alone.

I was in junior high school and I had an unrequited crush on one of my female junior. I felt like I was in so deep and like a fool. But she didn’t know I felt this way. She probably had a (better) boyfriend at the time, if I’m remembering things correctly, which is probably why I didn’t say anything.

All I knew is that the whole situation sucked.

And at the time I just added The Cranberries song “Linger” to my mental playlist (this was during the prehistoric era of the mid-1990s, before iTunes, Spotify, and Pandora). This mental playlist had songs that could be summed up as “Yep, I’m in love. But love sucks and let me tell you why it sucks.”

This message could apply to a lot of 1990s alternative rock songs.

But everything changed when my dad died of complication diabetes, plus cancer in 2000.

“There’s no need to argue anymore.”

— from the song “No Need to Argue”

I loved my dad, so do I really love my Mom, a single parent, and I know she loved me and my little brother. I really beg God to pray “hopefully…” my Mom and little brother get a blessed until 100-150 years old

But we had a typical complex relationship that most mothers have with their teenage daughters.

Most of our arguments (whether it was about curfews, doing chores, etc.) reflected the bigger issue of me thinking I was already an adult who could make her own decisions, and my mom knowing that wasn’t true while I was only 11 years old, or 13, or 15.

It was around the time my mom died and about a year or so afterward that The Cranberries released two albums, “No Need to Argue”, “Ode to My Family”, and “To the Faithfully Departed.”

Both albums had at least a few songs that dealt with the issues of death, grief and/or family.

Those songs helped me cope with my dad’s death by letting me know that I was not alone in my grief. I had great friends who were supportive. But at the time, only one of my friends had lost a parent.

And there was a strange mix of anger, sadness, regret, and even relief inside of me that seemed impossible to put into words.

The Cranberries’ songs, including “No Need to Argue,” “When You’re Gone,” among others, found the words I couldn’t say.

There’s no such thing as a good time to lose a family member or a friend.

But I’m sad that Dolores’ family and friends, along with those grieving other friends and family members who have recently died, are starting a new year with loss.

When someone dies, we often say that there are no words to bring enough comfort to those who are grieving.

And there seem to be hundreds of blog posts about what not to say to someone dealing with grief.

It’s true. You do have to watch your words when offering comfort.

But that’s no excuse to stay away from someone who’s hurting. And unfortunately, that happens. A lot.

It’s important to show up and let people know that you want to offer help, offer a hug, and offer as much support as you can.

Our words don’t have to be perfect.

They just have to be present.

And sharing our own stories, whether we write a poem, a blog post, a short story, an essay, or a book, can help someone else feel like they are not alone.

Even if you never meet that person face to face.